lmao
You Might Also Like
dads on road-trips be like
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Swedish for common sense.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
look at me when i’m typing to you
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.