robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
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ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie