lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
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Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Why am I like this?
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.