Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
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I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.