Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
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I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.