If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
You Might Also Like
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.