I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
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HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
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The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
The “baby” on the left….
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If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.