I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
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I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.