The “baby” on the left….
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Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.