I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
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[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
They’re stuck in your pants?
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
real
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.