Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
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Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
I鈥檝e joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don鈥檛 do it.
I repeat, don鈥檛 do it.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
i’ve had this nightmare before 馃槺
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
馃幎If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 馃幎
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Friend: can I borrow 拢20?
Me: No.
*slides me 拢20
Friend: How about now?
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.