me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
You Might Also Like
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
You sure about that?
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Cow it started Cow it’s going
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Monday?
No. Next question.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary