I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
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Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
“A little help here, Danny?”
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.