[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
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Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
hi why am I like this
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”