glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
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Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”