Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
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Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
synchronized noseblowing
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”