Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
You Might Also Like
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*