When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
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Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.