Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
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[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.