Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant![]()
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Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
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Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
“i miss shittin on people”
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My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!