Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
You Might Also Like
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
lmao
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Body by sandwich.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”