The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
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“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Okay me first
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.