The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
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Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet