I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no