Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
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Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
I have a type: disappointing
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….