Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.

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Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.

Or having an Asian baby.


11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…

Me: Grounded.


Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians


If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college


I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.


Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.


“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy


Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.