@noog

Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.

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@iAmDelFreaky

Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.

Or having an Asian baby.

@theshantilly

11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…

Me: Grounded.

@daveexplosm

Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians

@withanewname

If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college

@Brianhopecomedy

I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.

@SondraDeeMe

Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.

@julezmac

“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy

@Marcmywords2

Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.