The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
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That’s enough internet for the day
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
The French cow says MEUX…
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Breaking news:
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Does this dress make me look cat?
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry