The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
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I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
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“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.