The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
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I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
bob: one at a time
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Why font matters.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.