Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
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Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
how to have fun when you’re poor
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
kevin is now a local weatherman
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat