business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
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Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced