Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
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My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
The eclipse was like April fools for birds