Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
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[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.