how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
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My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
And bowling should be called pinball
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.