Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
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Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.