Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
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Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.