I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
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Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.