Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
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[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.