what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
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[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Cop: You doin drugs?
Cop: Whatya smokin?
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”