Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
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Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever