Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
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Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
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5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you