Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.

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what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom


[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it


My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.


Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.


Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?


This is an emergency!

*Begs to borrow strangers phone

*starts scrolling through pics


Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again


Monsters, Inc. 3:

It’s harder to make kids laugh

The Internet has made them jaded

The monster need help

They teach the kids to smoke pot


My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?


Cop: You doin drugs?
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”