@torrami

Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.

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@cloudypianos

what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom

@david8hughes

[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it

@MoistPork

My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.

@Jazzzzzmina

Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.

@TallDarknHandsy

Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?

@Matt_The_1st

This is an emergency!

*Begs to borrow strangers phone

*starts scrolling through pics

@wolfmannjr

Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again

@FilmsWeWant

Monsters, Inc. 3:

It’s harder to make kids laugh

The Internet has made them jaded

The monster need help

They teach the kids to smoke pot

@Storminika

My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?

@rockymomax

Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”