The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
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Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Don’t frighten the programmers!
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Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
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please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
😂😂
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Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
This is a bad sign
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Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?