Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
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Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit