When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
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Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’