Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
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My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up