I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
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She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
doing some research
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.