her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
You Might Also Like
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Just had my nails done!
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
liiiiiiiiike
When a shoelace touches your ankle
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?