My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
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I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Beware…..
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry