Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
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Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood