@JB4Realz

the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.

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@markydoodoo

why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?

@juneohara65

Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.

@AnniemuMary

Dear young cashier,

$100.89 is not pronounced $189.

Signed, a lady you scared

@Darlainky

I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.

@islaperrabonita

SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE

@benmathaicomedy

‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.

@philmann

Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich

@i_mthestorm

“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine

@thedad

“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.

@chuuew

ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]

WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?