@JB4Realz

the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.

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@kelkulus

My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.

@LoveNLunchmeat

[reading online survey]

Are you ready to double your satisfaction?

My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.

*clicks yes*

@RowdyBowden

Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.

@pradogod

Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.

@jonnysun

BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.

@cinematicnoodle

Grading system for students in India:

A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family

@Lilbyrdy

My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.

@juliepee

What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower

@PaigeKellerman

90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.

@KateWhineHall

My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.