the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
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If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.