If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
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Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
no regrets
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?