@noog

If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.

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This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

@Jenny4ashley

Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.

@PinkCamoTO

Becoming a parent changes your whole life.

One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.

@Kim_pulsive

I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again

@NotthatAdamWest

“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”

@facciabella

You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.

@IamEnidColeslaw

I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff

@Sober__Sisters

what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun

@TheNardvark

Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”