If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.

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This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.


Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.


Becoming a parent changes your whole life.

One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.


I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again


“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*


You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.


I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff


what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun


Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”