If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.

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Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey


“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”


I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.


You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.


Spreads legs… Nope

Spreads two other legs …. Nope

Spreads two others …. Dammit, no

Spreads last two…. BINGO!!

– spider sex


Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.

I’ll get you a towel.


when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach


DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow

T-REX: oh great