walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
You Might Also Like
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Sing it!
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.