My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
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The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.