Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
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Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
The French word for sex is croissant.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.