Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
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Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Every work call, he judges.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*