The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
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Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO