Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
You Might Also Like
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
🤣dope
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”